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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Strangers on a plane

Today on sunday, Sunday, September 25, 2011, Page 10, COLUMN
From http://imcmsimages.mediacorp.sg/CMSFileserver/documents/006/PDF/20110925/2509FFW010.pdf
Source Website: http://www.todayonline.com/Columns/Speakeasy/EDC110925-0000230/Strangers-on-a-plane
By Phin Wong, features editor, todayonsunday@mediacorp.com.sg, 04:46 AM Sep 25, 2011

PHOTO: Talk is tyranny when you're stuck next to a motormouth in the sky
Art by Yen Yok, Copyright © MediaCorp Press Ltd
Today on sunday, Sunday, September 25, 2011, Page 10, COLUMN

I could feel his shifty little eyes darting back and forth in my direction before the man in the seat next to me actually turned and spoke. It was not unlike a little ferret (a domesticated mammal of the type Mustela putorius furo) peeking out from behind a bush, too shy to say hello but accustomed enough to humans not to run away.

"Are you ... visiting Singapore?" he finally asked, rather shakily, clearing his throat between "you" and "visiting" as if "Singapore" were a suggestive word.

"No, I live there," I answered, fighting the urge to feed the little fella a handful of pellets from my pocket.

"Ah," he nodded vigorously before pausing long enough, I'm guessing, to recite his favourite Shakespearean soliloquy in his bald head. "That's nice."

PHOTO: 12-hour-long scintillating conversation 40,000ft up in the air
http://www.hqwalls.com.ua/img/other/airplanes_003.jpg
http://www.hqwalls.com.ua/eng/other_013.html

And so began our 12-hour-long scintillating conversation 40,000ft up in the air. ("I like noodles," he offered at one point. "Singapore has good noodles.") I was hoping for a sudden drop in altitude to lose consciousness.

No such luck. I was, however, treated to an enthralling story of how he got a discount on his hotel room - and so did his father-in-law on a trip to Atlanta. Twice.

Air travel is, for some curious creatures, a lovely way to make lifelong friends you'll never see again. They go from hellos on the tarmac to wives, husbands and lovers upon take-off, to haemorrhoids (Hemorrhoids are painful, swollen veins in the lower portion of the rectum or anus) somewhere over Tehran.

PHOTO: Strangers In the Plane
http://a3.l3-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/117/42a9360156054019909bad9c9e390890/l.jpg
http://www.myspace.com/sigmoonmusic/photos/10009690

It's honourable, this demented determination to bare their flabby souls to perfect strangers without fear of judgment. Heart-warming, even, when you consider how it is a rare form of interpersonal communication across cultural divides in this faceless Facebook digital age. But mainly it's really annoying when all the other person wants to do is watch the 26 movies he missed because he was inhumanely chained to his office desk.

("Satay. Oh, I like satay, too.")

PHOTO: Giving the space to be free, and the time to be calm
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPuNwUbUmcrSflOmfadE_WrMfc2YEdbXnjkKDrnNveHH_hVK-wAykKlEijuueA17sPkOz2Xj6sCNhk0LVCyBSW5iNrviGo8mguHuMV2w4JQM4EN6wN1xAKhhpiEx1Db9gb6rhVwCEJWc3Z/s1600/13907-Pretty-Gentle-Woman-With-A-Bird-On-Her-Shoulder-And-A-Butterfly-On-Her-Hand-Sitting-Outdoors-In-Spring-Time-Clipart-Illustration.jpg
http://minddeep.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html

I didn't always use to be the people-hating air-traveller I am today. In fact, I didn't at all mind shooting the breeze with my neighbour in the sky. Okay, that was a lie. I longed for conversation with someone new. I would cross my fingers and wish really hard that the person seated next to me would turn out to be a wonderful conversationalist, realise I'm the one thing that's been missing in life and suggest we run away together to start a new life selling potentially toxic seashell necklaces on some beach paradise - only for me to heartbreakingly decline because who would feed my cat?

But it never worked out. Ever.

("I love chicken rice. Can you make it?")

PHOTO: Stuck next to a woman who sweetly fell asleep with her head on his shoulder

http://i966.photobucket.com/albums/ae145/ockoala/Drunken%202/snapshot20110705133655.jpg
http://koalasplayground.com/2011/07/06/drunken-to-love-you-episode-12-recap/

One time I was stuck next to a woman who sweetly fell asleep with her head on my shoulder and dispensed a steady supply of drool onto my sweater at approximately two drops a minute. Another time a dude sobbed uncontrollably watching the riveting in-flight entertainment, causing the flight attendants to eye me suspiciously. Then there was the obliviously racist hag ("Your people are so hardworking!"). And that's only the tip of the Economy iceberg.

PHOTO: Watching the riveting in-flight entertainment
http://i966.photobucket.com/albums/ae145/ockoala/Drunken%202/snapshot20110705133511.jpg
http://koalasplayground.com/2011/07/06/drunken-to-love-you-episode-12-recap/

Over in Business Class, there was the clearly inebriated older white man who insisted on chatting my ear off about shopping centre real estate in New Zealand. The stewardesses were more than happy to ply the drunk with more champagne - while ignoring sober me because I clearly had to be just his low-grade Asian toy boy getting a free ride. While this is, technically, more a story about terrible service and discrimination, I consider that man to be the worst sort of seat companion - the type that causes one to be without champagne. I hope real estate in Auckland has gone down the toilet.

PHOTO: In clouds
http://www.hqwalls.com.ua/img/other/airplanes_008.jpg
http://www.hqwalls.com.ua/eng/other_013.html

Like Elizabeth Taylor towards the end, I have simply had too many bad relationships to believe the dream will ever work out. I now see mile-high conversation for what it really is: Compulsive talkers preying on an innocent captive audience. I'm getting married, I've watched the movie you're watching now and it's really awful, I quit smoking three months ago, I work out five times a week, I have four cats, two dogs and a pet pig named Ludwig. Monologues on a plane are a dream scenario for these narcissists because the only escape hatch leads to certain death via plummeting.

PHOTO: Like Elizabeth Taylor towards the end, I have simply had too many bad relationships to believe the dream will ever work out.

http://www.arts-reproductions.com/uploads/painting/image/14267/original_09_dancing_042.jpg
http://www.arts-reproductions.com/reproduction-tableaux/14251-tableaux-danse-toile-artistique-couple-danseurs-26

"I like those little dumplings you have in soups," the ferret next to me droned on. "I like soup."

As with any form of tyranny, there comes to a point where one just has to fight back. That time had come. I put my hand next to his on the armrest. I brushed my fingers against his. And then I smiled.

PHOTO: There comes to a point where one just has to fight back http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2537/4108448173_2a8f019824_o.jpg http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=56581&start=75

Within minutes the ferret had his headphones on, watching Sylvester Stallone shoot the entire population of a tiny island nation with new-found interest.

Victory was mine.

PHOTO: “I thought it would be an insult to the men who are fighting, to think that a fictional character could come and change everything.”

http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/files/2008/01/john-rambo.jpg
http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/sylvester-stallone-feared-for-his-safety-during-filming-of-new-rambo/

I tapped him on the shoulder. "I've seen this movie," I smiled. "And it's really awful."

By Phin Wong, features editor, todayonsunday@mediacorp.com.sg, 04:46 AM Sep 25, 2011

PHOTO: 首页 › 个性图库 › 经典油画 › 人物 › 威廉·阿道夫·布格罗 - Bouguereau, William-Adolphe, Psyche and Cupid.jpg

http://s1c2.walanwalan.com/pic/photo/sc/2b94/7f6e/321b/f787.jpg/showah.jpg
http://www.walanwalan.com/ph/15923.aspx

Reference

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Gone Ambition

Today on sunday, Sunday July 3, 2011, Page 12, Column, SpeakEasy
From http://imcmsimages.mediacorp.sg/CMSFileserver/documents/006/PDF/20110703/0307FFW012.pdf
Source Website: http://www.todayonline.com/Columns/Speakeasy/EDC110703-0000157/Gone-ambition
By Phin Wong, features editor, todayonsunday@mediacorp.com.sg, 04:45 AM Jul 03, 2011

PHOTO: When did we swap big dreams for quick naps?
Art by Yen Yok, Copyright © MediaCorp Press Ltd
http://imcmsimages.mediacorp.sg/cmsfileserver/showimageCC.aspx?420&450&f=1763&img=1763_403773.jpg&h=420&w=450
Today on sunday, Sunday July 3, 2011, Page 12, Column, SpeakEasy

I first attended the Academy Awards when I was nine years old. It was terribly exciting.

The Last Emperor was named Best Picture, Michael Douglas won for Wall Street, Sean Connery finally got himself an Oscar for The Untouchables and my sister's Barbie doll beat Holly Hunter, Cher, Glenn Close and Meryl Streep to win Best Actress.

Man, that was a good year for film.

That Barbie doll also won Oscars for Best Supporting Actress (for a small but pivotal role in another film - she totally did not expect that honour and sobbed through her acceptance speech to rapturous applause), Best Original Screenplay (she has so many talents), Best Make-up (she did her own), Best Art Direction (the original guy dropped out due to contract negotiations and she said: "Well, I did find that great couch for my apartment ...") and Best Director (you should have seen Bertolucci's face).

PHOTO: Madonna’s Blonde Ambition Tour, Russian Red accompanied all the over-the-top costumes designed by Jean Paul Gaultier

Posted on Tue, 01/22/2008 by Karen
http://www.makeupandbeautyblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/madge-blonde-ambition-tour.jpg
http://www.makeupandbeautyblog.com/mac-makeup/makeup-tutorial-russian-red-an-ode-to-madge/

It was a clean sweep for Barbie. Well, almost - she lost out on Best Original Song (I really liked that song from Dirty Dancing).

She even wore her own dress to the ceremony, fashioned out of tissue paper, scotch tape and a stapler. "Who are you wearing?" reporters on the red carpet would shout.

PHOTO: Naked ambition, a young couple called Karla and Stuart have come up with the riskiest pursuit.

www.grough.co.uk, Site staff, Friday 23 February 2007 08:54 PM GMT
http://www.grough.co.uk/images/stories/nakedmunro.jpg
http://www.grough.co.uk/magazine/2007/02/23/naked-ambition-tackling-munros-the-exposed-way

"Oh, just lil' ol' me!" she would bashfully reply.

"Give her an Oscar for being fabulous!" the crowds would demand.

"Who the hell is that?" Cher would sneer.

"Move your hair, lady! You're blocking the view!" the paps would yell.

Then my sister would come home from school and find Barbie floating face down in the sink (don't do drugs, kids).

"Play with your own stupid toys!" she'd shriek. Which was just ridiculous - Autobots can't act. And He-Man obviously wasn't dressed for the Oscars.

(The next day, my sister found Barbie tragically hanging from the curtains - she had become horribly depressed after her agent left her for Jennifer Grey.)

I recently had a drink with an old friend I hadn't met up with in a while. I've known her since I joined the choir back in school to kick-start my pop-icon career - which worked out wonderfully until my voice broke, sending shards of sharp notes flying into an innocent crowd of unsuspecting passers-by. (I would have joined the English Literary, Drama and Debating Society in secondary school to begin my quest for an Oscar but didn't on account of my under-achieving school not having enough students who actually spoke English.)

"What do you want to do with your career?" she asked.

"Erm. Well ... I'd like to be able to continue to have one," I replied.

"That's it?"

"I guess I'd like a promotion."

"And ... ?"

"And ... get paid more. That would be nice."

"That's not terribly ambitious, is it?"

"Well, I'd like to be President but I don't have the batik shirts for it."

I had felt the judging coming from across the table and activated my deflector shield. But she was right - I wasn't being very ambitious any more. Nine-year-old me would have been very disappointed that Barbie had died repeatedly in vain.

PHOTO: The eight-stage Gore-Tex Transalpine-Run; some of the remarkable scenery available in the mountains traveled, captured in the Italian Alps.

http://redoubtreporter.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/alps-scenic-alps-on-091010.jpg
http://redoubtreporter.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/alpine-ambition-%E2%80%94-soldotna-runners-mount-attempt-at-grueling-trans-alps-challenge/

The best thing about being a kid is the future ahead of you. You think to yourself, "Oh, Baby, the places you'll go" - and then quickly learn not to refer to yourself in third person as "Baby" in public. Possibilities were endless. I was going to be so many things when I grew up: Actor, film-maker, recording artiste, budding serial killer. And it didn't matter that my only discernible talent was the ability to irritate my sister. The future was mine and I was going to make my dreams come true.

These days, here in the future, I'm happy to have any dream at all - because that would mean I'm actually getting some sleep.

PHOTO: Starting to Drive Again
Posted on April 4, 2011, by Tia's gravatar
http://www.faqs.org/photo-dict/photofiles/list/2268/2964driving.jpg
http://tiallarising.wordpress.com/

When does a person stop dreaming big? Is there an actual age we hit that requires us to abandon hope and settle for what we have? Of course dreams and expectations are adjusted and replaced as we get older - it wouldn't be terribly adult of me to stick to my initial plans for superstardom seeing as I've now accepted my glaring lack of actual talent. But where's the joy and wonder in having nothing planned but the day-to-day?

I turn another year older this month and I guess I know what I'll be wishing for when I blow out the candles: The spunk I had when I was nine. (That and a reminder never to use the word "spunk" when talking about nine-year-olds.)

Hey, a guy can dream, can't he? Even without his sister's tissue-paper-clad Barbie doll.

By Phin Wong, features editor, todayonsunday@mediacorp.com.sg, 04:45 AM Jul 03, 2011

PHOTO: Traverse snow fields
Posted on January 12, 2011 · 9:58 am, By Clark Fair
http://redoubtreporter.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/alps-transalps-late-stage-snow-crossing.jpg
http://redoubtreporter.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/alpine-ambition-%E2%80%94-soldotna-runners-mount-attempt-at-grueling-trans-alps-challenge/

Reference

Monday, June 6, 2011

Fitness, nuts

Today on sunday, Sunday June 12, 2011, Page 8, Column
From http://imcmsimages.mediacorp.sg/CMSFileserver/documents/006/PDF/20110612/1206FFW008.pdf
Source Website: http://www.todayonline.com/Hotnews/EDC110612-0000009/Fitness,-nuts
By Phin Wong, todayonsunday@mediacorp.com.sg, Updated 11:18 AM Jun 12, 2011

PHOTO: As noble as my intentions are to get in shape, I never seem to be able to actually get down to doing it.

Copyright © MediaCorp Press Ltd
http://imcmsimages.mediacorp.sg/cmsfileserver/showimageCC.aspx?450&446&f=2218&img=2218_393942.jpg&h=450&w=446 http://www.todayonline.com/Hotnews/EDC110612-0000009/Fitness,-nuts
Today on sunday, Sunday June 12, 2011, Page 8, Column

I’ve spent a lifetime thinking about getting into shape. I think I’ve almost decided.The last time I stepped into a gym was when I made a wrong turn while looking for the little boys' room.

This was about five years ago, and I had been sent on an assignment to a new health food cafe to subject myself to a spread of ghastly things like falafel, shredded wheat and wholegrain wraps. A rabbit would have nibbled on its own leg to add a little flavour to that meal.

PHOTO: Interval Training Secrets
September 25, 2008 by Ghatto
http://www.caloriecatcher.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/calorie-catcher-fitness-origsize.jpg
http://www.caloriecatcher.com/archives/category/relationship

The cafe was located within a fitness facility, presumably to add to its torture capabilities, which is how - after several flavourless, zero-calorie, vitamin water "cocktails" - I found myself face to face with a humourless bench press machine when I was looking for a urinal.

"Excuse me," I said politely to a half-man-half-rhinoceros hybrid with a neck the size of my thigh, "which way to the washroom?"

He pointed across the room, flexing the impressive muscles in his index finger. "Are you a member here?" he asked, blocking the sun with his deltoids (deltoid muscle is the muscle forming the rounded contour of the shoulder).

"No, I'm just eating here," I said. "I don't work out."

"I can tell," he laughed, before returning to the task of lifting the equivalent of two refrigerators over his head.

PHOTO: Intermittent Fasting Healthy Fat Loss Diet
http://www.weightcontrolforever.com/images/healthy_fat_loss_man.jpg
http://www.weightcontrolforever.com/Intermittent-Fasting-Healthy-Fat-Loss-Diet.html

I had just been insulted by someone wearing ridiculously short shorts. But I let it slide seeing as I wanted to live.

My brushes with fitness have always been fleeting. As in they usually last for about as long as a frozen daiquiri (a classic rum and lime drink) in hell.

When I was about 10 years old, I decided with much absolution that I was done being a fatty. I was going to start running religiously and the weight was going to just fall off, revealing my true Dolph Lundgren form that had been hidden away to gasps and rapturous applause. I went outside, fastened the Velcro straps of my sneakers and sprinted off into my gorgeous future, channelling Lindsay Wagner with every bionic step.

PHOTO: American model Lindsay Wagner hot photoshoot.She would look even more hotter in strapless bras.

Written by markred on Jul-28-10 10:52pm
http://www.gameroomhaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/lindsay-wagner-9-610x912.jpg
http://www.zimbio.com/Lindsay+Wagner/articles/LkChG0I21Ns/American+model+Lindsay+Wagner

I got about as far as three HDB blocks. Then I took a bus to the nearest 7-Eleven and ate a Slurpee Sundae.

Why didn't anyone tell me running was hard?

In my mid-20s, I was determined to swim my way to attractiveness. I dove in, swam two laps, then went home and threw up from over-exertion. On the upside, I did feel lighter after that.

Then there was the time someone I was seeing persuaded me to hit the gym and get a tan, presumably so I would be less hideous to look at.

PHOTO: Tips On Calorie Shifting Diet You Need To Know
http://www.gotaccesssecrets.com/category/diet-and-nutrition/
http://www.gotaccesssecrets.com/tips-on-calorie-shifting-diet-you-need-to-know/
http://image.24ur.com/media/images///600xX/Jun2008//60149912.jpg
http://fitchstudio.com/hoodia-does-bob-kislins-have-beach-shovels/

I actually did spend considerable time in the gym, although it was mainly spent reading the instructions on the side of the equipment, trying to figure out what on earth I was looking at, and whether I was expected to push, pull, stretch or be dispensed a cup of coffee.

I even laid out in the sun in an attempt to get some colour. That adventure ended with third-degree burns to my belly button. Love, it turns out, isn't just a many splendid thing - it's also an act of arson.

I decided to end the relationship before I got wounded in a freak jazzercise accident. ("And that's how he lost two spirit fingers, the poor dear.")

Exercise and me simply do not go together - we're like plaid and animal prints. But when I stare at my torso of tofu wobbling furiously away in the mirror as I brush my teeth every night, I think back to that 10-year-old kid who imagined a glorious life that could be lived shirtless.

PHOTO: Cameron Takes on a Fitness Training Exercise Program

Before the Charlie’s Angels star could start filming the movie, she had to undergo some extensive exercise programs. She admits that at the end of the day, her fitness training exercise program was so intense she thought she would die! Since then, she has sought the help of celebrity fitness trainer Teddy Bass to keep her in shape.

http://www.howcelebritiesloseweight.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/cameron_diaz_bathing_suit-2.jpg
http://regineanne.blogspot.com/2010/11/cameron-diazs-best-weight-loss-program.html

My friends dreamt of becoming neurosurgeons and race-car drivers. I just wanted to not jiggle when I skipped, skipped, skipped to my Lou ("Skip to My Lou" is a popular children's song). That wasn't so much to ask for, was it?

But, as noble as my intentions are to get in shape, I never seem to be able to actually get down to doing it. It's a constant case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being in a bar.

I'm now in my 30s and have yet to be introduced to my abs. I don't want to be 40 and have to be introduced to my feet. So I figure I have two options moving ahead: A) Give the dream of owning a set of biceps one more go, or B) Accept a future of buying stretchy pants made with Lycra.